The Family

Jeanna is spoiled. Little Eddie is self-righteous. Carol is a illogical. Gena is selfish. Eddie is abusive. David is painfully honest. Austin is introverted. Anthony is arrogant. Holly is afraid. Bobby is honest. Cal is dim-witted. Natalie is vain. Ashely is serious. Terry has low self-esteem. Tony is snobbish. Dana is foolish and Ciro was a an oppressor.

This family is not unlike any other family. A group of flawed human beings connected by love, genetics and marriage. I hold this mirror without judgment; I cannot look at myself without seeing them. There is no malice in my heart; only love. How can you truly love someone without total acceptance of their imperfections? And, yes!, I have loved this family! Loved them indeed, in spite of and because of their flaws.

Not a member by birth, I was permitted pseudo acceptance a mere twenty years ago. Everything is temporary if given enough time and my dismissal was like a chronic disease finally taking its rightful course. It never occurred to my heart that the wagons would circle and I’d be left with nothing more than a picture. Regardless, my love for them prevails. I guess you can’t choose who you love, it just is. But, alas, some surprises were pleasant.

Jeanna surely astounded me when she graduated college. It just goes to show what one can accomplish when the Family allows others to think for themselves. Someday, when Little Eddie quits worrying about the world’s perspective of him, he will truly thrive. He has the skills yet something stops him just short of accepting the cards he’s been dealt. I know that day will come for him, when his smile is genuine and the hurt no longer lurks just beneath the surface. Carol has destroyed more than enough brain cells by years of smoking pot, yet one can never say that her heart isn’t in the right place. The selfish one of the bunch, Gena, has managed, albeit a mystery to me, to balance that self-centeredness with kindness. There have been moments, when I’ve seen glimpses of the goodness in Eddie and it was quite wonderful. If only he could get out of his head and just follow his heart. While it was Eddie, my husband, who proved the dangers of being controlled by ego, it was the honest one who helped to recognize the true gravity of the situation. Bobby, a true-blood black sheep in this Family, is the only member who sincerely understands unconditional love and the responsibility it bears. To him, I say “Thank you. Your kindness I will always hold dear.” Austin is the dark and brooding one of the Family. He is very creative and has immense ability for empathy. The tears he sheds are not rehearsed and his heart is forever on his sleeve. Anthony is as beautiful as ever, reason for which I’m sure he is arrogant. His thick, dark eyelashes deepen the brown of his eyes and heavy brows are barely visible behinds mounds of curly black hair. His big, full lips exaggerate his smile and make it brilliant. The only thing bigger is his laugh. Holly has the same gorgeous dark eyes, so prevalent in the Family. For her, life is an exciting, yet terrifying journey. I hope that soon, she learns that there are moments when it is okay to put herself first, above all others. Cal will grow up some day, I’m sure of it. Thank God for his charm and gentle laugh, for it is the only thing that endears him. The two red-heads, Natalie and Ashley, bring some diversity to the Family. Both beautiful girls, who at times get lost in shuffle, but find their way to make their marks anyway. If I’m ever stranded in the woods, I’d want Terry by my side. His illiteracy is the major contributor to his low self-esteem, but put him in the natural elements and his is king. Tony hardly says and word and of all the Family, I know the least about him. I do recognize how attentively he dotes on Gena and for that I certainly give him credit. I imagine that can be a full time job. Dana comes and goes, almost as quietly as the wind. Maybe she isn’t so foolish after all. She doesn’t fight the rejection, rather just accepts it. Ciro, is long gone and it seems only hurtful to talk about him now. Snippets of his personality and lesson he taught, both good in bad, live in each and everyone one of them.

The eternal outsider looking in, I longed to join the ranks of this wonderfully imperfect Family. There are those who wish to believe that my reflection is bitterness. To them I say, “Self delusion may ease your mind, but it won’t censor the truth.” The reality of life is painful, beautiful, disgusting, overwhelming and I wouldn’t have it any other way!

Now I must find the courage to let go…let go of my Family. By right of their birth, they permeated the shield, their blood allowing them into the world I so desperately begged for entrance. I’ll never enjoy what God has given them and I must, for self-preservation, find a way.

I don’t lament, believing that I’m the only one to survive the pain of a dysfunctional family. The trick is to not carry this burden with me throughout my life. There were lessons learned from the bad as well as the good. A family full of ravenous egos, although a tragic way to live, is wonderfully interesting.

With all their ignored flaws, there is an equal number of recognized triumphs. However, I’ve never seen a family so afraid of their truths. What is there to fear? All masterpieces are derived from great suffering as well as great joy. For without the pain, the happiness has no meaning. So, I hold this mirror up, unafraid, and with the utmost confidence that someday, we will all be better because we dared to look.